It has been almost 5 years since I have posted on this page. In those 5 years, more has changed than I could have ever dreamed possible. Circumstances in my life have improved tremendously. My family has more than doubled in size. I have taken huge missteps and have both given and received unprecedented forgiveness. Through all of it, I have grown closer to God, because I have come to understand the importance of putting away childish ways (I Cor. 13:11). What hasn't changed is my penchant for not seeing in myself all those things I try to build up in others. And so the following came to mind over the past few days (and was put into words during the wee hours of the morning...as I was trying desperately to find sleep after a migraine):
Every so often, I find myself in a place of doubt and uncertainty, of distrust and unrest. I wouldn't say it's a place of darkness, but rather one of hazy, misty shadows. During these times, it feels almost like driving down familiar backroads at dusk. You know...those moments when your eyes play tricks on you...when landmarks seem to be distorted or shifted or further away than they should be. The curves in the road that you know like the back of your hand seem to be just a bit sharper and the hills just a little steeper than they do in the light of day.
During my personal dusk, all these things are applied to the friendships around me. I begin to question how strong or genuine they are. I often feel like I'm on the fringes of true friendships...like that awkward new kid at school...wondering if/when I'll get invited to girls' night...or randomly have someone stop by just because they want to see me...or even if anyone notices me at all without me raising my hand as a reminder. I want to yell that I'm right here, and that I'm worth your time and energy if you'd just give me a chance...but at the same time, I don't want to say a word, because I just want you to notice on your own...but then there's the part of me that says maybe you shouldn't.
Fighting your own self-talk really is a battle sometimes.
