It has been almost 5 years since I have posted on this page. In those 5 years, more has changed than I could have ever dreamed possible. Circumstances in my life have improved tremendously. My family has more than doubled in size. I have taken huge missteps and have both given and received unprecedented forgiveness. Through all of it, I have grown closer to God, because I have come to understand the importance of putting away childish ways (I Cor. 13:11). What hasn't changed is my penchant for not seeing in myself all those things I try to build up in others. And so the following came to mind over the past few days (and was put into words during the wee hours of the morning...as I was trying desperately to find sleep after a migraine): 

Every so often, I find myself in a place of doubt and uncertainty, of distrust and unrest. I wouldn't say it's a place of darkness, but rather one of hazy, misty shadows. During these times, it feels almost like driving down familiar backroads at dusk. You know...those moments when your eyes play tricks on you...when landmarks seem to be distorted or shifted or further away than they should be. The curves in the road that you know like the back of your hand seem to be just a bit sharper and the hills just a little steeper than they do in the light of day. 

During my personal dusk, all these things are applied to the friendships around me. I begin to question how strong or genuine they are. I often feel like I'm on the fringes of true friendships...like that awkward new kid at school...wondering if/when I'll get invited to girls' night...or randomly have someone stop by just because they want to see me...or even if anyone notices me at all without me raising my hand as a reminder. I want to yell that I'm right here, and that I'm worth your time and energy if you'd just give me a chance...but at the same time, I don't want to say a word, because I just want you to notice on your own...but then there's the part of me that says maybe you shouldn't. 

Fighting your own self-talk really is a battle sometimes.

Know your worth...

It’s 2 a.m. and here I sit, contemplating how I got to this exact place in my life.  As I look around, I see this tiny room—at one time my son’s bedroom, then the beginnings of my teenage step-daughter’s bedroom, then a storage/junk room—which has now become my bedroom.  Furnished with a broken dresser, a yard sale chair, a mattress & box springs we pulled from the ditch, and a myriad of forgotten toys, it’s quite the appropriate metaphor right now.  There’s an empty closet with hangers that used to be filled, now hanging bare.  The “bed” sits on the floor, unsupported by any frame.  The lamp is missing its bulb.  The windows wear no curtains.  The floor is covered in discarded clothes, mismatched shoes, and remnants of a jigsaw puzzle.  Nothing about it is tidy.

I am here, alone, partially because of the choices I have made.  And while they may not have been popular or expected, I will not apologize for them.  From the outside, my world seemed to be rolling along just fine.  But behind the blinds, the rest of the story was being told.  Don’t get me wrong, in thirteen years, I was never mistreated.  My husband and I never fought and we never let on (not even to each other) that anything was wrong.  And that in itself was the problem.  We both chose to never confront one another…ever.  Without going into the personal details of our marriage, I will simply say that communication was lacking…which seems a bit odd for two lovers of words such as us.  My part in that silence is all I can speak to now.  For I cannot begin to try to reason out another person’s choices.

Growing up, I was never given the option to speak my mind if my opinion was contrary to my mother’s.  So I spent years dishonestly “agreeing” with what she said.  Why would I not?  I saw what happened when people overtly contradicted her.  I chose the easiest route.  The safest.  However, when my own children were very young—one in second grade the other in preschool—I decided to end that foolishness.  I knew that they could not grow up believing that it was okay to let people walk all over them.  I took to heart the saying that “you teach people how to treat you” and sent my mother a letter telling her that I would not allow myself to be run over anymore.  That letter, and all that came along with it, awakened something inside me.  A realization that what I truly wanted and needed was just as important as what “they” wanted and needed.  My entire life, I had felt that my needs didn't matter…that as long as the people around me were happy, I was doing everything right.  I believed that it was selfish to think any other way.  At least it was for me.  I encouraged others to put themselves first, but I never could.  Even as I write this, I can see how odd that sounds, how imbalanced, how wrong.  But at the time, it just seemed like the only right thing to do. 

I have never really known unhappiness…not really.  I have always been content.  I was the happy-go-lucky optimist who forever had a smile on her face.  I made it through some tough stuff growing up and came out of it “textbook healthy” as a psychologist once told me.  I was happy.  I was positive.  I was resilient.  On the outside.  Inside, I was convinced that my worth was directly proportionate to how happy I made everyone else.  That it didn’t matter where I stood on anything, as long as those around me were pleased.  That I couldn't let them down, no matter how crushed my hopes or dreams may have been. 

In the last five years, that has changed.  I have changed.  Life has changed.  Again, I won’t go into the minutiae of it all, for the details are not what this is all about.  The change occurred when I realized that I matter.  That didn’t mean that no one else did…just that I was as important as anyone else on this planet.  That was actually a revelation to me…and one that did not go over well with some.  When I came to the conclusion that my emotions were just as significant as anyone else’s, that my body was just as respect-worthy as anyone else’s, that my love was just as valuable as anyone else’s—that's when I knew I could no longer stay in the circle I had been in my entire life.  That’s when I stood up and said for once, “Here I am!  Take me or leave me.  But you have to take all of me or leave all of me, because I’m tired of living only one tiny piece of who I am.”

In taking that stand, I lost a great deal.  And I mourn those losses daily.  However, I also acquired more than I ever dreamed possible.  In learning to respect myself, I gained the respect of those who know the real me.  By bearing even the ugliest parts of myself, I found those who see the most beautiful parts of me…parts I didn't even know were there.  By letting go of the picture of happiness I had in my head, I discovered the true joy that I believe I was destined for. 

  This is not the path I would have drawn for myself had I been given that authority.  It is, however, the road I have traveled and the direction I believe I am supposed to follow.  I have been and will be judged by some around me for the choices I’ve made.  I know that and accept it.  In the end, though, I believe that I am sailing toward my true north.  I also believe that the people in my life who know the real me will continue to sail with me, briefly taking the helm or referencing the map when needed.  I will be forever grateful for every moment that has brought me to this point in my life.  It’s simply time my compass was calibrated.

What I’ve Learned in 36 years

Today is not my birthday. In fact, I still have a couple of months until I blow out another candle. However, I have recently been made very aware of my almost 36 years on this earth and all that goes along with a life that short…or…long…depending on how you look at it. And so, today I want to share one of those “What I’ve Learned” lists with you.

·         I’ve learned that no matter what or when or where…God is good. He will never let go and neither should I. Many of you know how the pages of my life’s story read. They do not turn smoothly and gracefully like a Sparks novel. They do not flow with the ease of Waller’s Bridges. And yet, through it all, my God has never let me fall. He has held me in the palm of his hand always. He has proven himself over and over again. Even in those times when I was certain (in my mind) that I was going to fall on my face, in my heart I think I knew that He was in control. His grace is undeniable.
·         I’ve learned that there is nothing on this earth more powerful than friendship. That as long as I have one friend who truly loves me for me, I can get through even the darkest and scariest storms. I have been blessed in this life to have honest-to-goodness friends…not just people who say they are there for me, but incredible individuals who show me every day that they would lay down their lives for me. I am undeserving and unbelievably thankful.
·         I’ve learned that choices—all choices—are actually just deciding who we are willing to hurt. Even in a toss-up as seemingly benign as what to have for lunch, we are making that decision. If I pick Domino’s over Taco Bell, I have decided to hurt Taco Bell’s business. Because of this knowledge, I’m trying to never make quick decisions…to think them all through…to weigh every aspect. And while it is often excruciating, I believe with all my heart that it is worth the extra effort.
·         I’ve learned that regrets are pointless. Think about it: Can we change anything at all that has already happened? Can we un-ring any of the bells we’ve rung? Can we un-speak any of the words we’ve spoken? Can we take back the steps we’ve walked? Of course not. And every single one of those bells and words and steps have put us exactly where we are right now. Those of you who know me well, know about my previous marriage. It was horrible; and at the time it ended (well, actually at the time it began, too), I deeply regretted having walked all the way down that aisle. However, as I stepped further away from that pain, I began to realize that because I walked down that aisle and spent three years in turmoil, I grew in strength and confidence. I found out that I could stand up for me…and that I was worth standing up for. And I will NEVER regret finding out for myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
·         I’ve learned that perception is reality. For every person, the way we see things is the way we will believe them to be. A year ago I was extremely overweight. In my mind’s eye, every pound over my “ideal weight” was just another stroke painted with the ugly brush. I saw the rolls of fat and the double chins. I saw the elastic waistbands and double-X on the tag. And every time I saw those, I saw a person who was not good enough…not pretty enough…just not enough. And that was my reality. It didn’t matter what anyone else told me. I could not see that the person I truly was, was still there…just buried under layers of “insulation”. My perception has changed of late.
·         I’ve learned that your gut is one of the most precise and accurate indicators of what should be done. Believe it. Trust it. Go with it. I can’t recall an occasion when following my intuition steered me wrong. However, so many times when I have second-guessed myself, that is when the world tends to tilt.
·         I’ve learned that waiting can be one of the greatest or one of the most detrimental things you can do. Waiting—or not—has changed my life. It can change yours.
·         I’ve learned that loving as much as you are loved is one of the most wondrous experiences you can have and that without both, there will always be an emptiness. Being in love with the idea of something or someone is NOT the same as being in love. And being in love is so much more than giddy romance and physical attraction. Fireworks are beautiful with their light and color. Yet warmth is just as beautiful—if not more so—because it heals.
·         I’ve learned that lives are intertwined in intricate and elaborate and beautiful ways. That spirits and souls and hearts are what make us family so much more than blood. I’m finding that my very existence is dependent on the bonds forged through mutual experiences…even when those experiences have been shared separately.
And so, I’ve scratched the surface of my life lessons. There are so many more I could share and so many more I have yet to learn. It’s taken me almost a week to write this post, and in that time each of these bits of knowledge have presented themselves to me again and again. It has been stated that “we hold these truth to be self-evident…” and the same goes for what I’ve learned. I am awed by the revelation of verity I experience every single day, and I pray that I never take it for granted.

And so I begin.

In my mind I see a patchwork quilt.  You know the kind I’m talking about.  One made from remnants and scraps:  bits of the shirt you wore on your first day of kindergarten; a piece of the blue jeans your dad wore all the time; a section of that hideous tablecloth your mom always had on the table at Thanksgiving.  All those leftovers from the life you've lived.  So many memories woven so intricately into a 3x3 square of fabric.  Then all those squares—each one having a texture and color and style of its own—carefully stitched together to form a quilt, a warmth-giving covering, whose overall loveliness is as dependent on the ugly squares as it is on the beautiful ones.

I recently came to the realization that my life is exactly like that patchwork blanket.  The people, the places, the experiences of my past and present are each a block which makes up my covering.  While individually they may seem extreme or plain, off-center or perfect, brilliant or lackluster, they all come together in a well-designed masterpiece. 

My desire for this little blog is simply expression…of my gratitude, my awe, my hope, and even my frustrations sometimes.  I have learned in thirty-five years that all of those are important.  That even the sour notes in life are a part of it and that those sour notes don’t mean we've gone wrong…they simply mean we have room to improve, to grow, to learn.  And don’t we all want those things?  I know I do.

I will be posting bits and pieces of my life here.  I will share with you those things that have touched my heart and some that have made me think.  I hope to make you smile a bit, think a bit more, and believe a lot.  I know that I cannot change lives with a blog, but perhaps I can help you take a look at your own life so you can make your own transformation.